she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I want to fling myself into the sun
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
