New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
