I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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