i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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