I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
