she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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