I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
