I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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