I am midnight drunk by noon
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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