Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
