Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
