Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car