Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.