I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am one with the molecules
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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