Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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