You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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