i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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