He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
