My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
