I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
