What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
