She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
