Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
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But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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