she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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