Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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