He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
