i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
