matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
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I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
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How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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