my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
