my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
