Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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