cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
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I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
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