you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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