I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
