You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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