I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
