Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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