dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
