I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
