some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
