Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
