He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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