im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
