i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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