just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
