There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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