I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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