i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
