Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
