even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Piņatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.