i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I am one with the molecules
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...