Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
