there's paper in my vomit.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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