Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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