When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
