So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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