I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
