the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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