I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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