How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
