I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
