those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
